Abyss

Benjamin is lying in his buggy basket on the floor. Sleeping soundly after having a whole big bottle of milk that I thawed out yesterday but didn't end up using. Twisting and turning in silent irritation over the flies that keep landing on his face, but not waking up. Generally looking like an angel.

Mom is sitting on the couch, staring at him and bawling her eyes out.

I will never forgot turning my fingers into bloody stumps on the jagged walls of the deep, dark nightmare of losing our first baby and seeing it treated like a piece of trash.

I will also never, ever forget that I have gotten off easy. A woman I've never met but would like to call my friend has had the completely unnecessary and cruel experience of living through a repeat second trimester loss. Another acquaintence has survived the unspeakable experience of one full-term stillbirth, followed later by the death of her 5-day old little boy. Since Benjamin came less than a year after our loss, the period of time in which I was forced to wonder "What do you call a mother without a child?" for my own sake was forgivingly short. I feel deeply humbled by the stories that I know are worse than mine, and desperately hopeful that they will eventually have a similarly "happy" ending.

That is why I want anyone who has children to read the following blog. Over and over again. Until your eyes bleed, seriously.

Mirne's blog.

I know too many women who understand, or at least have a fraction of an idea about, the terrible road Mirne has just started down -- and I hate the vile taste of having to add: for the third time.

What's the uplifting punch line? None, I'm afraid. Sorry to bring you down. But you knew the name of the blog when you came in.